The worst thing about the ongoing presidential scandal, other than people's willful ignorance about the difference between impeachment and removal, is its mundane nature. The story is old and unremarkable, and really could use some surprising twists.

Here are a few twists that I wish had surfaced.

• During Clinton's first speech on the matter he claims to have found new evidence, and holds up a picture of Hillary flogging Starr with a six foot twizzler. In an optic orange evening gown. Either one.
• The contents of the Starr report: 400 pages of "All Work And No Play Makes Bill A Dull Boy" laid out in geometric patterns.
• Henry Hyde blames his extra-marital affair on "that bastard Jekyll."
• During the minute long standing ovation at the U. N. Yassir Arafat shouts out "Lay that pipe, Billy!"
• Bill Clinton sadly, publicly announces the existence of Harpo Clinton, his identical twin, who had the affair with Lewinsky. (That would even cover the semen stains.)

To hell with speech writers; the way this scandal is going the principals need some scene writers. This plot's way too predictable.

Sadly, I think I'm stuck with the everyday scandal. At this rate I'll have to buy a TV for my entertainment.